On Time...
Life is fast. New memories cycle in and old ones fade into the blurry. I journal the simplest things. I'm afraid that I won't remember. The soft skin on his face, the laughter, the innocence; it's all fleeting...the way he says "hold you." It must be so, for that is the design. Some days I almost feel panicked. Like the days are animate objects, falling one by one out of my hands.
I cannot believe that two years has come and gone. I am beginning to see lines in the corners of some friends eyes and I know the inevitable has begun. We are still young, but no longer in our youth. I am embarking on the age my dad was when he was diagnosed with cancer. Miraculously, he survived and continues to live a full, healthy life. But it's there. It started when I was 30, the shadow of death looming in the quiet places waiting for me to slow down and think upon it. Not until I had children did I actually consider my own mortality. Now, I can't get to the oncologist fast enough. I visit two times a year and admonish those of you who haven't gotten the message...get out of the sun and put a hat on.
Through my childhood I developed the lovely, neurotic coping skill of control in order to deal with my emotions - anger and fear, to name a couple. It's very becoming if you like that strained, constipated look. So, going to the doctor twice a year and slathering sunscreen is how I respond to my fear. I know the best way to respond to it is to give it up altogether. I think I should still take precaution, but the nervous anxiety that lurks in my heart is wasteful. Last Sunday, our teaching pastor spoke on a message about your life not turning out the way you had planned. It was wonderful. My grandmother said something to me once about lowering my expectations. I, of course, scoffed at the notion of lowering my expectations. I think I interpreted it as a request to lower my standards. Now that I'm older I have come to realize that it was less about me and more about the other people in my life. For years now I have had unfair expectations of others to get on board with my plans. Everyone has a right to make their own choices and live their own life and my happiness cannot be contigent on the decisions of others.
There is a freedom in Christ that enables that release. I'm still working on it, but learning every day to accept the journey that was designated uniquely to me. I embrace the passing years and pray that God will keep me in the now...keenly aware of the soft skin on my little boy's face, the laughter, the innocence and the joy that comes from every morning.
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